New years

I had never been excited for a New year to begin.  This year I am SO excited.  I need a new year to begin!  I need a new beginning.  I was really hoping that the divorce would be final by now, but the judge is on vacation so it won't be until next week.  I am going to start the new year with new hope.  Today was a terrible day, my lowest point, and I guess I feel like there is no where to go but up.  At least that is what I am hoping.  I'm not quite sure how to make that happen and I do know that it is in my hands to make it happen, so I am going to do what I have to to make that happen.  I am in charge of my life from this point forward.  I am in charge of me being happy and me having self confidence.  I am in charge of making a great life for my boys.  No one, not even Josh can take that away.  He can't hurt me any more.  I have to not let him hurt me anymore!  I want a better life and I CAN make it happen.  Josh can't take that away from me anymore!  New years is about saying goodbye to the old and ringing in the new!  2011 WILL be better than 2010.  2010 gave me a miscarriage and a divorce.  I don't know what is going to happen in my personal life, but nothing can be as bad as last year.  I can't make myself stop being sad about the divorce.  I am going to try to make myself not hate myself for letting my life get to that point.  I won't reflect on the years past and wonder about all the things I did wrong.  Yes, I made mistakes and marrying Josh was a big mistake.  I knew it then and I still did it.  So, somehow I have to move on and I have to forgive myself.  I don't know how to do that.  I really want a big time machine and I want to rewind my life.  I know that can't happen, so I need to focus on the here and now!  Make EACH day count!  Make each day special with the boys.  Never let them I regret one day with them.  I am the only one who can change my life and somehow I WILL do it!