Saturday, January 8, 2011

Today was really, really hard and I'm not sure what triggered it. Well, I guess I do, but I was really trying to not let it affect me. I looked on the phone records and found out that Josh and Hailey are talking and texting a lot. I am so depressed and I can't get myself out of it. I can't do anything fun with the boys and I cried all day and Triston and Conn0r kept asking if I was OK, but I couldn't stop crying. I have so many negative feelings about myself. About getting married when I knew it wasn't right, and hoping for all those years that Josh would change. He has treated me so awful and with no respect, so why can't I get over it? I know getting a divorce was the right thing and I knew it was inevitable. But, how could I have been such a fool to not break up with him before getting married or getting a divorce years ago. How could I have been that stupid? And then I get so upset thinking that Josh didn't think that the last 8 years meant anything. That really hurts me. Everything he said about loving me was a lie. I always felt that I could be easily replaced with him and it turned out to be true. I even told him that many times. I think he would have fallen in love with any girl that he met. I am not special to him in any way. I can't describe it, but I knew he just loved the idea of being married to a good girl, he wasn't ever really in love with me. I know all this, but it still hurts. It all hurts. I know I took a huge gamble marrying him and I lost. So, I deserve this. And then people say that it should be worth it because I have the boys. Of course I am so glad to have the boys, but I think that is a cop out. Triston and Connor would be better off in a different family, I brought them into this selfishly. God never wanted me to be a mother. They make my life happy and they mean the world to me and I am so glad I have them, but is it really fair to them to be the result of a bad marriage? What have I made their life to be from here on out? Anyway, today was a very bad day. I even went on LDS singles and first of all it would not take my regular email account. It kept saying invalid email, which is ludicrous. So, i put in another email and got as far as having to describe myself. And all I wanted to put was "fat, loser". So, I stopped. I had felt like I wanted to find out if there is anything like love that could exist for me. I don't want to be alone. I want someone to hold me and protect me, but I guess if I have to describe myself, that is just a bad beginning.