Sunday, January 9, 2011

So, Josh called at 2:00 this morning and did all the usual stupid stuff he does. Saying he slept with some girl, and slept with Hailey and then started saying that he loved only me and was in lust with Hailey and would break it off with Hailey if I could accept him for who he is. After the day I had yesterday, he said everything I wanted to hear. And he kept saying that he loved me and always would and that he wanted his family back. How can he do this? How? How can he have treated me like he did and then want me to come back to him? He admits he is saying things to hurt me and then he says he doesn't' want to hurt me. He says Hailey means nothing and then he says she wants to get married. I am so disgusted with H I could do some serious damage. She will never know the damage she caused and she doesn't care. I feel bad because I know that Josh will ruin her if they do get together, which they already are, but then I'm glad she will get what she deserves and then I wonder what if she really is so wonderful and what if he really is in love with her. I hate these feelings. I hate that she came into the middle of this. Our divorce would have been so much simpler and less painful if I wasn't wondering about them and knowing that she was nice to him so he chose her and I''m the awful one who couldn't support him.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Today was really, really hard and I'm not sure what triggered it. Well, I guess I do, but I was really trying to not let it affect me. I looked on the phone records and found out that Josh and Hailey are talking and texting a lot. I am so depressed and I can't get myself out of it. I can't do anything fun with the boys and I cried all day and Triston and Conn0r kept asking if I was OK, but I couldn't stop crying. I have so many negative feelings about myself. About getting married when I knew it wasn't right, and hoping for all those years that Josh would change. He has treated me so awful and with no respect, so why can't I get over it? I know getting a divorce was the right thing and I knew it was inevitable. But, how could I have been such a fool to not break up with him before getting married or getting a divorce years ago. How could I have been that stupid? And then I get so upset thinking that Josh didn't think that the last 8 years meant anything. That really hurts me. Everything he said about loving me was a lie. I always felt that I could be easily replaced with him and it turned out to be true. I even told him that many times. I think he would have fallen in love with any girl that he met. I am not special to him in any way. I can't describe it, but I knew he just loved the idea of being married to a good girl, he wasn't ever really in love with me. I know all this, but it still hurts. It all hurts. I know I took a huge gamble marrying him and I lost. So, I deserve this. And then people say that it should be worth it because I have the boys. Of course I am so glad to have the boys, but I think that is a cop out. Triston and Connor would be better off in a different family, I brought them into this selfishly. God never wanted me to be a mother. They make my life happy and they mean the world to me and I am so glad I have them, but is it really fair to them to be the result of a bad marriage? What have I made their life to be from here on out? Anyway, today was a very bad day. I even went on LDS singles and first of all it would not take my regular email account. It kept saying invalid email, which is ludicrous. So, i put in another email and got as far as having to describe myself. And all I wanted to put was "fat, loser". So, I stopped. I had felt like I wanted to find out if there is anything like love that could exist for me. I don't want to be alone. I want someone to hold me and protect me, but I guess if I have to describe myself, that is just a bad beginning.