At my lowest point - New Years Eve 2010. I was not sleeping much at nights and I found out why. Dreams. I finally got enough sleep to have a dream. It was awful and I was being betrayed by the man I loved and I was being so hurt by him and I could feel that because I kept waking up and I could feel the despair and I would go back to sleep and have the same types of dreams. I kept seeing pictures of this man with another woman and he was happy and with another family and I was left all alone. In my dreams this man was with another woman and it was upsetting me so much that I was yelling and disrupting what i think was their wedding. But, this man that was hurting me, wasn't even my husband. It a boyfriend from my teen years. I had not thought about this person for a very long time and when I woke up I was so confused that he was hurting me. When we had broken up 18 years before I was very hurt and betrayed and I took this dream as a reminder that every relationship I ever had ended in hurt. I was doomed to never have a happy ending. I took it to mean that even though I hadn't thought about this xboyfriend for years and years, I was still eligible to be hurt by anyone. I was reminded that no one has ever stayed in love with me. Every boyfriend and now husband had just lost interest and the two that had meant more to me than anything had moved on to different girls before our relationship was over. Am I dull? Boring? Uninteresting? What about me makes people get sick of me? Make them want to trade me in for a different model? So, I kept waking up from these nightmares and thinking about my husband and being so hurt and sad. The dreams were much worse than my real life. In real life, I have my wonderful boys, my family and friends. I am not alone. For the last few days, I allowed myself to start dreaming of having a boyfriend and getting married again. One of my friends wants to set me up and so I allowed myself to wonder about what that would be like. I daydreamed about having a man in my life that cared about me and loved me. And I feel like these dreams reminded me that that kind of love and life is not for me. It's not meant for me. I am meant to be alone because who ever I am with will just get tired of me and not want to be with me. I don't feel like I have a low self-esteem. I feel like I am a somewhat of a good person. I have many faults, but when it comes to love, I just need to accept that it's just not for me. and then my mother-in-law called saying how grateful she was to have a husband that loved her unconditionally, and grateful that her 4 daughters had found someone that loved them unconditionally. So, what is wrong with me that I can't be loved unconditionally? What have I done so wrong? Unconditional love. Wow. What a concept.
Dreams - again! I knew dreams were a bad thing! I had another dream last night on Jan 5. The divorce was final Jan 4. I didn't even get that much sleep last night because I couldn't sleep. But, the dream I had was all about Chod again. But, this time, we were dating and he was being romantic and taking me to dances and on dates and holding the door open for me and during the dream I felt safe and secure and loved. Why would I have to have a dream like that? Why? to know that I will never feel that way again? When I talked to Josh on the phone today, I missed that from him so much and I longed to hear something nice in his voice. I longed and almost expected him to say "I Love You". Stupid dream has made me cry all day. I feel so empty and lost and alone.
The divorce was final on Jan 4th. My lawyer called me around 4 that afternoon and said it was done. For the first day I didn't feel any differently. I knew it was coming and I was looking forward to it, but now I am so affected by it. I am divorced. I am a failure. I am depressed and I can't get out of it. I can't clean my house, I can't even get the Christmas decorations all put away. They are just laying all over the house. I just want someone to take care of me and hold me in their arms and love me.
